As a long-time meditation saboteur and laziness aficionado I feel that I am qualified, perhaps even over-qualified to speak on this subject. Therefore,  I would just like to pre-warn all the zen masters and meditation gurus that this article may contain tardiness too high brow for your still and empty minds to comprehend mkay? Now that it’s settled, let’s get our monkey minds to work…

But, like, I’m soo busy. ‘                                                                                  

I get it. You can’t even. Can’t even still your mind! Ha. Well, of course this is the case. You’re using the oldest excuse in the book.  If you’re not going to meditate, please come up with a better excuse than this tripe. We’re all busy and the greatest thing about meditation is that the more time you spend doing it, the less hurried and yet more productive you become. Don’t ask me how. It’s like a fucking magic trick!


No. Just because from time to time I adorn flowery attire and I casually blurt out the phrase, “It’s all love maaaan” does not mean I am a vegan. This is partially because I have very little self-discipline, love hamburgers and just straight up hate animals.

What this addiction to meat has taught me is that if during meditation you want distracting stomach pains or to replace the smell of sandalwood incense with that of slightly off pickles, you should probably have yourself a few tasty treats beforehand. This can be in the form of hamburgers, pizza, pasta or generally anything that gets your insides going. Damburger!

Check that timer. Again and again.

What if your phone breaks whilst in the middle of a meditative state? What if you forgot to press start on your timer? What if one day, whilst meditating, a tiny community of elven folk and general faerie types steal your phone and proceed to share ‘that’ photo album to all relevant social networks? These are all valid and extremely important questions.

‘I’m just like so O.C.D! LOL!

Firstly, no you’re not. O.C.D is a real thing. Secondly, why did it take you up until now to realize that your unmade bed, clutter-filled floors, and half-eaten junk food drawers do not contribute to a conducive environment for meditation or any sort of productive activity?   I’ll tell you why. You’re just a shitty little piglet.


Agriculture, Animal, Baby, Cute, Domestic, Farm
This is you.


Honestly, it doesn’t really matter if this article has or has not somehow off-handedly encouraged you to face yourself through meditation or to look within at all. Nope. By all means, run run as fast as you can! Hide behind drugs, food and forced laughter but, meditation or not, you’re going to be running smack bang into your grinning face around every corner. This existence is a hall of mirrors, although if you can open your heart even just a little bit and learn to love that shitty little piglet inside, you’ll realize your arms were always wide open, waiting for you to come home at last.